A Brief Encounter
by Dave Harper
Summary: Ever noticed how a lot of BV romances seem to harp on the same old tune? Don't you wish you could get rid of them? In that case, don't read this. You have been warned.


"Vegeta, have you--" Bulma stopped and looked around the empty room. Wasn't that just like the man? Whenever she needed him to use his brute strength for something - in this case, to open a recalitrant pickle jar - he couldn't be found for love or money. There were the signs of his passing, of course; the upturned furniture, the strewn clothes all over the floor, the Victoria's Secret catalogues on his bed. Bulma smiled at the mess. She didn't know why, but it made her feel almost motherly towards the man who had threatened the existance of her planet. 

Bulma turned to go but stopped, her attention caught by something, but it flitted past her senses ethereally before she could register it. Puzzled, she began picking up his dirty clothes, folding them and putting them in the laundry hamper. The rank odor of sweat came from them and she wrinkled her nose. But come to think of it, it wasn't such a bad scent, was it? It was such a MANLY odor. Actually, in some ways, it was kind of nice. She pressed a pair of his boxers to her face and inhaled. Of course she hated the man, but for some reason she couldn't imagine she always seemed to have a weak spot for him. It must be fear; it certainly COULDN'T be anything else, and her therapist agreed with her, so THERE. 

Just then, she realized what had caught her attention: the sound of running water eminating from the small bathroom. Despite herself, Bulma's heart leaped in her chest. Damn it! She thought. I don't like the man, I HATE the man, but every time I meet him I feel this strange feeling in my heart. Could it be...indigestion? Steadfastly in denial, Bulma nevertheless felt her eyes riveted on the bathroom door. It was already open just a hair. Surely he wouldn't notice if she were to widen the crack just a bit... 

Before she knew it, she was bending down to peek through the crack into the shower. Scant feet away from her, Vegeta in all his naked glory was standing, water running down his short frame. Bulma forgot to breathe, the sight was so magnificent. If only he would turn around, turn to face her, so that she could gaze at his, um, face! Yes, his face! She could feel herself getting wet and, despite herself, found her fingers slipping into her shorts. Come on, come on...yes! 

"OH MY GOD! IT'S HUGE!" she screamed. "Wait, did I say that out loud?" she added, blushing madly. The creak of a faucet turned the water off, and Bulma straightened up and leaped backwards just in time to see Vegeta storm out of the bathroom. Surrepitiously she scrubbed her hand off on the back of her shorts. 

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" demanded the Saiyan Prince. 

"Oh...er...that is...I was just...admiring, I mean looking at your p--your pants. They're huge!" Bulma said, thrusting the laundry still in her hands at him. Vegeta grabbed the Fruit of the Looms from her and looked at them, then back at her. 

"Uh...no, your OTHER pants!" cried Bulma. Darn it, WHY was she acting like a lovesick girl?! Because she wasn't in love with him! Not even one tiny bit! Vegeta's eyes narrowed and he looked into her eyes. Bulma felt her heart flutter madly. Ba-bump. 

"What are you doing in my room?" he asked. Ba-bump. With water streaming down his chest he looked delicious, er, ferocious. 

"I wanted you to open a jar of penis!" she shrieked, then smacked herself in the face. "PICKLES!" 

"Oh," said Vegeta, accepting her lie. "Hand me my shirt, woman." 

Bulma's excited fear ingnited into hot anger. "How dare you believe me!?" she shouted, then hit herself with her fist. 

"Are you okay?" asked Vegeta in tones that were, if not tender, as tender as Saiyan tended towards. "Have you been possessed by some alien entity again?" No, but I want to be possessed by you, you alien, her heart cried silently, and Bulma tried once again to smack herself. 

Her fist stopped, caught in his larger hand. "Don't," he said softly. He raised her hand to his face and, in a Saiyan ritual born in the forges of time, kissed it tenderly. "Hmm, a new perfume?" he asked perceptively. New perf--Bulma looked at her guilty right hand in horror. "Ahaha! That's not what you think it is--" she babbled, looking down at him. Their eyes met. Ba-BUMP. 

From nowhere, an incredible rush of feeling filled Bulma. It was a feeling like no one on Earth had ever felt, a love stronger, harder and deeper than anyone on Earth could even imagine, so powerful it had the force to remake reality, so strong it could destroy planets, so tender it would never in a million years hurt her by betrayal. This was the power of the Saiyan Mind-Meld, the Soul Bond that was the natural development of millennia of warrior culture on Planet Vegeta. Instantly, Bulma looked into Vegeta's soul and saw the little boy within, the little boy who had been tormented so terribly by a space tyrant, the little boy who had never known the tender love of a woman. It made her incredibly horny. 

"Vegeta," she whispered brokenly. How could this man, this perfect specimen of manhood, have been hidden from her for so long? 

"Bulma," he said tenderly, stroking her cheek with his strong hands. He bent down to kiss her...then stepped off the stool. 

"Oh, Vegeta!" she cried, throwing back her head and thrusting her breasts at him. "Take me with your man-meat!" 

"All fifteen inches of it!" Vegeta cried back, taken by the same feeling as her. 

"You use imperial measurements in space?" Bulma asked, temporarily distracted by scientific information coming from such an unlikely source. 

"Well, no," said Vegeta, startled. "Actually, on Planet Vegeta we use the Umph. One Umph is the distance you can throw someone, which of course means that it differs depending on who's talking at the time. Actually, it set back technological advancement for centuries until my ancestor, king Vegeta MCXVIII, set the official Umph by throwing his enemy--" 

"TAKE ME!" cried Bulma, grabbing at his muscular frame. "TAKE ME NOW!" 

Vegeta smiled possessively at her and unwrapped her arms from around him. Then, slowly and with a lover's care, he unbuttoned her blouse and slipped it from her shoulders, revealing her bra. 

"What's this?" said the alien prince, taken aback. 

Sensing his impatience, Bulma reached around and undid the clasp. "It's our unborn baby," she joked to him. He grunted and cast it aside, revealing her naked breasts. 

"Oh, Vegeta. Please, please, don't be so silent! Tell me what you think! After all, you're the first man to see--except for Master Roshi, and, well, actually, never mind." 

"Bulma...they are without doubt the finest breasts I have ever seen," Vegeta said. "You are the true consort of a prince." 

"Luckily, you are one," said Bulma with a giggle. 

"Let me show you how a prince loves," he breathed in her ear. 

"Oh no you don't!" she said, covering her shorts. "You aren't turning into a tampon on me NOW!" 

"What?" asked Vegeta. 

"Um...oh, never mind. What did you have in mind, then?" 

"I'm going to take you manfully to the bed, throw you on the satin sheets, and then proceed to love you in the way a man loves a woman until you come your brains out." 

"Oh, Vegeta!" she cried, feeling the juices soaking her panties. "That won't take long! I'm ready!" 

Without another word, Vegeta threw Bulma's unresisting form over his shoulder and carried her to the bed, where he threw her onto the pillows. Bulma smiled at him seductively and held open her arms. Vegeta smiled eagerly as she undid her shorts and slid them, panties and all, off her milky-white thighs. He crawled on the bed and, with the patience born of thirty years as a space mercenary, licked and nibbled his way up her leg until he reached the place where they converged. There he planted the most tender of kisses, so that Bulma melted. 

"Oh! Vegeta, be gentle...it's my first time!" she moaned. 

"You're a virgin?" he said, his voice breaking as he tried not to show how much that simple fact meant to him. 

"I've been waiting all this time," she whispered. "But I never knew why. Now I know we were fated to be. No man could ever come close to you." 

"And no woman, to you," he said with all the elegance and refinement of a Saiyan prince. 

Bulma turned her head away. "But...you're a prince. You must have been with many women," she said brokenly. "I'm only a toy to you." 

"How DARE you!" he yelled, turning red. "Make a mockery of my feelings? When I've never known the touch of a woman? I spent decades in space, forced against nature to kill and destroy, and always alone, so terribly alone." A single tear began to work its way down his noble face. 

"Oh, Vegeta..." she whispered. "Forgive me, my love. I did not mean to doubt you - this is just so new to me." She held his head against her breasts and shushed him tenderly. "I was stupid," she admitted. "But you act like a true lover would...I mean, as I'd expect a lover to act." 

"Only my iron will and training is keeping me from ravishing you here and now," said Vegeta, the strain of the effort showing in his shaky voice. 

"You don't have to resist any longer," she said. Vegeta raised his head from her breast and looked into her eyes. Bulma gulped. 

In instants he was in her, filling her completely, making her a woman at last, at long last! But not too long, after all, she was still a nubile young girl with the body of an eighteen-year old. Pain, horrible pain, filled her as something snapped inside her, and Vegeta stopped. 

"Are you all right?" he asked with concern. 

"Fine," she said through gritted teeth. "It's normal the first time. Go gently," she pleaded. 

He did, plunging into her tenderly, thrusting into her slowly, ramming into her sweetly. She felt the pain recede, replaced by such pleasure as she had never known. He didn't fumble with her as so many human men would; it was as if he knew all her sensitive spots without being told, even ones she never realized had existed until now. He pumped into her like a piston, tenderly stroking her breasts, biting gently at her nipples and playing with her hair. She held onto him like a drowning man on a life preserver, her world spinning around her as she fell into the first orgasm of her life. 

"OHHH! I'M GOING TO CUM! OH! YOU'RE SO BIIIIIG! OH! OH!" she gasped. Bulma exploded. Her heart felt like it was going a million miles an hour as her eyes saw stars. Wasn't that Planet Namek over there? She felt her whole body tremble as the orgasm hit her. At the same time, Vegeta pulled out of her and came all over her breasts, her face and her toes for good measure. 

"And yet...you still can't...hit the toilet," she joked in a limpid whisper. 

"Ready for round two?" he asked her, his member already straightening again as he gazed at her erect nipples. 

"Already?" asked Bulma in disbelief. 

"Saiyan were forced to mate whenever and wherever they could," Vegeta said proudly. "We can get hard at will." 

"OhmiGOD if Cosmo heard about this--" Bulma stopped herself. How could she sell out details of her private life with the man she worshipped? "Oh, Vegeta," she said instead, "I'm the luckiest woman on Earth." 

"And I, the luckiest Saiyan on Earth," Vegeta replied. "Of course, there's only the two of us, but still, I finally beat Kakkarat at something! Ha!" 

"That doesn't count!" she said quickly. "He was just a child!" 

"What?" asked Vegeta. 

"Wait. What are YOU talking about?" she asked him quizzically. 

"I know the most beautiful, most sensitive, most voluptuous and feminine woman in the world, and she's mine." 

"Oh, you men," she said, tousling his hair playfully. "You always have to be the best!" 

"Indeed," said Vegeta. "I've been training for the day this would come. I wanted to be the best lover possible," he confessed, all barriers gone at last. "I nearly failed Planetary Domination 300 studying for Pleasure Slave 304." 

"Vegeta," she whispered, feeling the ache inside him. "I want to erase all those fears inside you." She nuzzled his chest with her face. 

"A blowjob would help," Vegeta hinted subtly. Bulma threw herself on him, the force of her leap sending him sprawling onto his back, grabbing his fifteen inches and swallowing them all in her mouth. 

"Wow, it worked--UH! OH! BULMA!" With his passionate words her licking doubled in intensity. She reached behind him and stroked the spot where, years before, his tail had been cut off. His eyes rolled up in the back of his head as she found his secret spot and he came, filling her mouth with his seed. 

Bulma raised her head, letting out his member with a POP! and licked her lips. "Yum," she said, then swallowed. "Tastes like candy," she said experimentally. "Must be another Saiyan trait." 

"Where did you learn to suck like that?" he asked, amazed at the skill of the woman he had found. 

"Romance novels," she said, burping delicately. "You'd be amazed how explicit they are." 

"My little flower," he said softly. "You're like a porn star." 

"Oh, VEGETA!" she cried happily, hugging him tight. "I'm so happy!!" 

"Let me make you even happier," he said, pulling her to him. 

Fourteen hours later they lay there, sprawled on his bed with exhaustion. She was completely drained, yet he seemed inexhaustible. "Good God Almighty, you have the refraction time of a teenager!" said Bulma. 

"Just wait until I REALLY get going!" said Vegeta playfully, teasing her nipples. 

"YOU may be inexhaustible, but _I_ need rest," Bulma begged, pushing his hands away. With a grunt, he relented, cuddling next to her on the bed, finally drifting off to sleep with his head resting against her back. In sleep his face finally twisted itself into a smile that she had seen so rarely on his face while awake, his features always a mask of mistrust and hate born of torture. She smiled as she stroked his hair, then silently got up and left the room to clean up. 

When she returned, he was sitting up and yawning. "That was nice," he said. 

"The whole 'Saiyan Bond' thing always has been one of my favorites," said Bulma, grinning like a Cheshire cat. 

"I dunno, I prefer the 'Saiyan Bondage' one," said Vegeta. "Oh, Vegeta, that's so tiiiight!" he said in falsetto. Bulma smacked him on the head. 

"You dummy, you have no romance in you. But tell me, was I too over the top?" 

"You mean, 'Oh, my prince! How did you KNOW I like my neck kissed?'" He laughed. "Besides the last five years?" Vegeta said with a smirk. "How did you like my 'Planet Vegeta uses Umphs,' speech?" 

She threw a pillow at him. "You spoiled the mood, moron!" 

"Don't call me a moron," he said, catching the pillow adroitly. 

"Only compared to Goku," she said sweetly. Vegeta growled and Bulma laughed at how easy he was to manipulate. "Don't worry, you're a MUCH better lover than him. I kept YOU, remember?" Vegeta rolled his eyes. 

"Just YOU remember that," he said, but his glare was softened as he opened his jaws mightily and yawned. "Happy Birthday, Bulma," he said, kissing her. 

"Happy Birthday, my prince," she said, and turned off the light. 

-Fin 

(With apologies to Phil Foglio for blatantly ripping off the ending) 

Author's Note: I'm not a DBZ fan...in fact, I've never seen a single episode, read a manga or even skimmed a fanfic. This whole parody comes from the many rants I've listened to while my beloved fiancee reads fanfics online. Isn't life funny? This fanfic is dedicated to all the writers out there who write good, quality stories - sadly, you DON'T know who you are, because nobody seems to write feedback any more. So, if you liked this parody, do me a favor and write feedback for someone ELSE - go back to a 'fic you read a long time ago and liked a lot, but never sent the author any feedback, and say something. Go ahead...make someone's day. 


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